THE EXCLUSIVE CHARLIE SHEEN JOB INTERVIEW

Charlie Sheen is out of work, and in between media appearances and Tweets, he’s been looking for work. Here is an exclusive transcript of a recent interview he had with a Fortune 500 company:

Mr., uh….Sheen is it? Intellect is a very important part of this job. Tell me about yours.

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s, uh… maybe not from this terrestrial realm.”

OK. Why not tell me a little bit about your life at the present. You’re out of work, been enmeshed in some controversy lately. Must be hard.

"I am special, and I will never be one of you."

OK, our records indicate…., because we do need to be careful with this sort of thing, can you give me some insight as to the nature of your prior lifestyle?

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children. We're on a rocket ship to the moon some nights. I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them, because that's how I roll."

Mr. Sheen, that’s a little bit disconcerting. We cannot have drug addicts working for us. I see that you recently passed a drug test, but how do we know you’re not going to relapse? Are you going to AA meetings?

"I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself. I'm not recovering like some p----. I have a disease? Bull----. I cured it with my brain. I've got tiger blood, man. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. [A.A.] was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA."

Should we be concerned with a relapse?

"No. Not going to. Period. The end. I blinked and I cured my brain."

And now, now that you’re clean and sober?

 “I’m so tired of pretending that my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

Understood, but I would like to get a sense of your daily lifestyle. Describe it for me, please.

"It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. The nights I don't sleep it's because there's a higher calling telling me to stand guard."

Ok, so…just so we’re clear…you’re no longer on any drugs?

“Park your nonsense. I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

I see…You had a major falling out from your last job, is that right? Tell me how you are dealing with that now.

"People say: 'You have to work through your resentments.' Yeah, no, I'm gonna hang on to them and they're gonna fuel my attack. Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber."

The Executive Vice-President and you had major drama. How did you resolve that conflict?

"They picked a fight with a warlock. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, & it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

Must have been stressful; how did you deal with that?

"I don't believe in panicking. Panicking is for amateurs and morons."

So, then, what is your philosophy with regard to conflict resolution?

“Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F18 bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground. There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins. We work for the pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people.”

Understood. Family values are important here. Tell me about yours, please.

"If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently. If you infiltrate and try to hurt my family, I will murder you violently."

Right. What are your plans for the future? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. I'm going to hang out with these smoking hotties and fly privately all around the world. I'm just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses."

Let’s talk about your approach to work for a moment. Benjamin Franklin, a great Philadelphian, said. “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Do you concur?

"To quote the great Allen Iverson: 'Practice. Come on guys, we talkin' 'bout practice.'"

How about compensation, what type of salary are you looking for?

"A little more, a little more. Add some gold! Add some gold! Bingo! ... I'm here to collect."

Mr. Sheen, I have a straightforward question for you, my final question – Are you a Winner?

" I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips. I don't know ... winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn't make the rules. I’m bi-winning. I win here. I win there. Oh wait, can't process it. Loser. Winning. Buh-bye."

That’s it. How could I resist? #Winning!!!!

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